And so it begins–fad, flab and slip of the lip!


a_ridiculous_diet_scam

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It may surprise you that dieting is a relatively new idea. The first “diet” wasn’t developed until 1898. And an unusual diet it was! A man named Horace Fletcher, weighing in at 205 pounds, lost 42 of those pounds by chewing his food 100 times per minute. He said this technique aided digestion, leading to his being named “The Great Masticator”. A much more reasonable plan was created in 1918 by Dr. Lulu Peters. Dr. Peters was the first to introduce the idea of “counting calories”.

Well, here is my first ‘diet review’. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not here to tell anyone what they are doing is wrong, or how to  eat  or what ‘diet’ plan to follow. The main reason I am doing this is because where I work  we watch CNN, the news after we watch Ellen (hey we have to have SOME FUN, I work at a Law Firm.)

Anyway, once January 2nd hit, I kept seeing all these ‘ new diets’ and these ‘ wonderful new ways to eat’ and I have all these questions so I decided to review some and get more answers because quite frankly some have just scared me!

666y-300x272

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If anyone has more information than me, has tried them, follows them or agrees or disagrees with me, PLEASE let me know, for it’s not my intent to ‘ bash’ any of these diets but just try to get information! Sometimes, I may come across harsh or passionate but please don’t take offense– we may not all agree all the time.

Also, on a side note, I am a little burned out on my workout music so if anyone has any suggestions please let me know…

apple-ipod-cheap

 

 

 

 

 

 

Current Favorites….

Halestorm—Miss the Misery

Halestorm-Bad Romance

Firelight—All I need to be

Taylor Swift -I knew you were trouble

Christina Aguilera (featuring Blake Shelton)-Just a Fool

 

 

Beyond Diet

http://www.beyonddiet.com/

The below is all taken from the Beyond Diet intro video…

 

Food Choices:

Not calories

Not over eating

Or even lack of activity

An understanding of methods you can use to burn fat immediately and what you need to do to continue losing weight after that.

If you watch this video and follow what we teach, you will have the information you need to help burn off unwanted fat, flatten your belly and find the body you’ve always wanted.

3 principles:

Know the foods that cause accelerated fat burning in your body

Know the particular foods that are preventing you from burning fat

Put the right foods together in a certain way to create the fat burning effect.

 

*** Hmm, ‘no breads’ (wheat breads), unless they are millet or rice flours but you can have BUTTER??? So eating butter will help me burn fat? Umm, I was listening till here…

She talks about ‘eliminating processed foods’ because healthy foods have ‘high fructose corn syrup.  A main point in being healthy is taking an ACTIVE role; learning to read labels, think of all the wonderful things you’d miss? Here are some examples of ‘ processed foods’ I eat which are “clean”–just a few. I do agree, if you are new to this– you need to be careful, ask questions, but to ‘ CUT OUT ALL PROCESSED FOODS’? Sorry, I don’t agree unless that is your personal preference….

Kashi Simply Maze

Ingredients

‘Organic whole grain corn, organic, organic evaporated cane juice, salt, organic molasses”

Please read about their cereals and products here…

http://www.kashi.com/products/organic_cereal_simply_maize

Amy’s Margherita Pizza

Ingredients: 0g Trans Fat/No Added MSG/No Preservatives Organic unbleached wheat flour with organic wheat germ and organic wheat bran, filtered water, organic tomatoes, whole milk mozzarella cheese (pasteurized whole milk, vinegar, salt, enzymes [without animal enzymes or rennet]), organic extra virgin olive oil, Parmesan cheese (pasteurized part-skim milk, culture, salt, enzymes [without animal enzymes or rennet]), organic honey, organic basil, sea salt, expeller pressed high oleic safflower and/or sunflower oil, organic garlic, organic evaporated cane juice, yeast, spices*. Contains milk and wheat.<*100% pure herbs & spices (no hidden ingredients)

http://www.amys.com/products/product-detail/pizzas/000199

CLIF® BAR (12 bars/box) Coconut Chocolate Chip

Ingredients: Organic Brown Rice Syrup, ClifPro® (Soy Rice Crisps [Soy Protein Isolate, Rice Flour, Barley Malt Extract], Organic Roasted Soybeans, Organic Soy Flour), Organic Rolled Oats, Organic Toasted Oats (Organic Oats, Organic Dried Cane Syrup), Organic Cane Syrup, Chocolate Chips (Dried Cane Syrup, Unsweetened Chocolate, Cocoa Butter, Soy Lecithin, Vanilla Extract), ClifCrunch® (Organic Oat Fiber, Insulin [Chicory Extract], Organic Milled Flaxseed, Psyllium), Organic Coconut, Organic Date Paste, Organic Sunflower Oil, Natural Flavors, Sea Salt.

http://clifbarstore.com/detail/CLF+160130

***I am sure there are plenty out there that people can find. The only issue I have is when someone tells me I CAN’T have something all together? I understand changing my lifestyle, I get that? But cutting things out –like breads and adding butters & bacon, well, that bothers me; it reminds me of the Atkins diet with some tweaks…

She also says not to eat Soy? I need to read further and see why not?? I am a vegetarian– I eat a lot of soy and so do a lot of others, what is wrong with that? I thinking this may be a two parter??  Well, since I am not a member I can’t read the entire site, but in my next part I am going to do is ‘ reviews of this diet by others’.

Ok, she says we want to eat foods that only contain one ingredient, now don’t get me wrong, I am all for ‘ eating as close to the ground as possible’ so I agree,  also  she mentions not counting calories, I agree here too.

I don’t get it, before it was ‘not over eating’ and then later it was ‘ you have to be somewhat reasonable about the amount you eat’? And starts talking about calories later but not really talking about them ( see above??)

Yep nixing sugar I agree with and having all fruits and veggies I agree with but I don’t agree with no wheat bread, if you read the labels and you are careful with what kind you have, I think it’s acceptable reasonably.

‘Eat the right kind of fat-burn fat’, yep I agree with this too. So many people are afraid of fats.

Good-Fats-Vs-Bad-Fats

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, it’s starting to look a bit more like Atkins It seems to be a cross between Atkins

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atkins_diet

with the bacon and butter, steak and eggs, the ‘ right bread’, no whole wheat bread or orange juice, not ALL are bad for you; the only tweak is the fruits and veggies…

How is this good for your heart, your cholesterol? And yeah, cutting out wheat can flatten your stomach that is common knowledge?

OM MY GOD, I have to pay? Really? When I don’t even know if it works? $ 60.00, are you kidding? When I can’t see your statistics? I don’t know who you are? That is crazy….I am sorry, 30 pounds– granted that is wonderful, but I just thought she was going to say I have lost 80, 90 pounds? The whole ‘ she has lost a ton’ didn’t sit well with me… oh and you have to pay to be on the site? Oh Lord, but if you get the program you don’t?

This was my wedding picture-245.5 pounds...

This was my wedding picture-245.5 pounds…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Conclusion:

So, over the next few days to be FAIR, I am going to do some reviews to see what others think and see what I can find out!

Over all, I have some concerns about long term, it seems too much like a quick fix—anyone can lose weight by restricting foods but generally you gain it back and then some? So, this is what I think so far, I am curious to see what others think…

xoxoxoox,

Traci

Not another January Stastic


It’s the beginning of year and what do so many of us do??

We come back from a week (or two) of debauchery and say ‘ I am going to start the New Year right, going to work out, eat better, lose 5-10-20 pounds and start the year off with a fresh start!

Um, how long does it last really? Long enough for the shine to wear off our new gym shoes? Do I sound cynical? Am I doing the same thing?

walking-shoes-footwear-0411-410x290

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Well, this is the FIRST time I have posted in a bit huh, I say sheepishly!) I know, I know!

When I started this blog –the sole purpose was to ‘help people with my story’ and then it turned into the ‘re-creating of my story. I have found that very difficult to do.  I wish I had started it a few years ago but I didn’t so I did the best I could.

I still think I can help and I have a lot to say…though right now I am a bit lost and trying to figure out what I am doing so trying to tell others what to do is a bit of a stretch—I am hoping we can figure out things together!!

This is what I am doing with my blog going forward, at least for now, lol.

As so many know I have lost my weight doing the Eat Clean diet, after trying so many others. I still believe this is the best way to go, no matter how many ‘diets’ are out there. But isn’t it crazy once January hits how many new ways we are encouraged to eat (or not eat)?

Apple, brown sugar, walnut muffins

Apple, brown sugar, walnut muffins

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Same for me, I have changed over this last year starting as a Vegan, going to a Vegetarian, to a Pescatarian to a Lacto-Ovo-Vegeterian, which is basically what I am now. I started doing this by watching ‘ forks over knives’ http://www.forksoverknives.com/ if you are wanting to know more about this please feel free…

cutveggiesandfruit

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But the problem is, I am just not sure what I am feeling or believing anymore.

When my husband and I wanted me to be ‘ tested’ we found that my b-12 and vitamin D were low and I was tired and feeling run down. So, we decided to have Friday date night where we would have one meal with whatever we wanted. I no longer have guilt with this. My husband still follows his vegan values and still believes in them, where I feel I do it mostly out of guilt.

My hubby and I this Fall in Tenn!

My hubby and I this Fall in Tenn!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, there are so many changes I have seen, Tosca no longer eating wheat? Isn’t this what I read? And the now popular ‘Paleo diet.’ People are starting to eat less meat I have been reading and veggies are making a come back? My husband jokes I am the worst vegan for I just don’t like veggies, it is true.

What I want to do is look around at some of these ‘diets’, look at my own, try and figure out what I am doing. Read other blogs; see how Helen, Marilyn, Farrah and some of my friendly vegans are doing? Get back to my Eat clean site.

AND own up that I have slipped a bit-that I feel a little lost. I need to see what works for me, not for Michael or Erik or out of fear, I lost the 90 pounds on my own—I need to get back to that.

On the other hand, we also got some bad news about my knee. We found out that I have what is called ‘Patella Baja’. This happened after my surgery, basically the tendon shortened and pulled my kneecap down which is causing my knee not to ‘bend’. They are not able to fix it, EVER! This is a permanent condition and one I will have to live with. I also have bursitis in my hip and still have frozen shoulder in both shoulders; we don’t know why it hasn’t gone away?

Traci's knee

Traci’s knee

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I do have a new job I love, so for that I am very grateful, full time, but I love it!

I will also admit that I went from 153-168. I am working on it, I have started back on the treadmill and eating differently, I am trying to find what works for me, what workouts I can do and waiting to get back into PT!

Gautlet

Gautlet-If I could do it then I can do it now danmit! 🙂 I miss you Beth!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, this is where I am  and what I am going to go with my blog, still going to do some fun stuff and do all I can to help others, but lets see what is out there and let’s talk truth!!!!

Happy New Year ya’ll, it’s going to be a great one!

xoxoxooxoxox

Traci

12921889973eK8NY

 

 

 

Vegan-is a type of vegetarian diet that excludes meat, eggs, dairy products and all other animal-derived ingredients

Pescatarian-Occasionally used to describe those who abstain from eating all meat and animal flesh with the exception of fish.

Lacto-Ovo-Vegeterian-Lacto-vegetarian is used to describe a vegetarian who does not eat eggs, but does eat dairy

How precious Life is…


Last night I called my Mama and Courtney and wanted to reach through the phone and just hug them both! THIS is the week I have had!

Have you had one of those weeks? One where, you’re stressed  at work, worked too many hours, started your period early, had your cramps and moodiness all at the same time AND screwed up at a new job all in the same week, WHILE working 10 hour days? Then, had to stop your workouts, while still holding on to that 7 pounds because you have tweaked you knee? Yeah, this was MY week!

BUT ALL this does not compare to a phone call I got a few nights ago and this goes back to my first line.  I just can’t get this senselessness out of my head of the last few days. First, let me say that I believe in God and have faith and that I believe that this is the closest to Hell we will ever be and with what just happened in Colorado and what happened to a friend of mine in Detroit, I truly believe that!

We have all heard about the horrific crime that happened at the premier of the Dark Knight in Colorado. As we often hear of these things, it’s sad and horrible  but it’s so often ‘ over there’ or ‘someone else’. Well, that ‘ someone else’ was my best friend’s step sister Jessie. We had been playing phone tag and I couldn’t understand why she’d been trying so hard to reach me. She is in Texas and I am in Michigan. We don’t talk all the time, we have been best friends now for 25+ years…

Kat and Traci

Kat and Traci—way long ago

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She was calling to tell me her Step Sister Jessie was a victim in the Colorado Shooting.  I just couldn’t believe it, I was like what? Are you sure? She has only been there a month and sadly, she had just avoided a shooting a month ago in Toronto by three minutes because she had an ‘ funny feeling’ and left the food court right before a gun man open fired.

http://jessicaredfield.wordpress.com/

Jessie was studying to be a sportscaster and her a close friend was injured in the  shooting –he is hoping to recover to attend her service today in San Antonio, Tx.

Jessie Redfield

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please say a prayer for their family today! They have also started a fund, you can read about here….

http://blogs.westword.com/latestword/2012/07/aurora_theater_shooting_jessica_ghawi_scholarship_fund.php

 

 

But as I said, TWO tragedies…

A friend of mine at work, has waited on news about two boys ( 17 and 18) who went missing in Detroit a week ago…

http://www.myfoxdetroit.com/story/19130101/bodies-of-2-white-males-discovered-in-detroit

They were found yesterday in an field, kneeling, shot in the head….what is this world coming too? I don’t understand? Granted, as Courtney will tell you, there are certain areas you NEED to have care in, and even in this article they mention, be careful here…but still. They were KIDS! MY KID is this age!

After Colorado I called her, after yesterday I called her, she is SOOOOOOOO far away, I just want her near-I KNOW she is 18, I KNOW I have to let her live her life and let her be ok, but last night, I went to bed at 9:30 just so upset, like  right now as I cry, I just want to crawl into bed with her and watch her sleep! It’s a parent moment, not a husband moment, not a friend moment, I want a Mama moment and I can’t have it, so I am going to send this out to all the parents out there and say hug your kids today, tell them you love them and pray for these parents and families, these brothers and sisters today–for life is just so precious!

Cort and Traci

Cort and Traci

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Plus today is my Sister’s birthday! She is the most amazing, beautiful, wonderful woman of Faith I could know…I am TRULY blessed to have her in my life! I am so thankful, so I want to take a moment and say I love you Lisa and truly, truly, you are just so gracious! Amid all this –you are a shining light!

The girls

The Girls Traci, Lisa, Cort and Mama

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘When we are hurting, confused, and emotionally distraught or even panic-stricken, we desperately seek someone who loves us to listen attentively and sympathetically to our dilemma and give us sound advice. We have this Someone in Jesus Christ. He has told us,” I don’t want you to go through this by yourself. Let’s sit down and talk it over. Let’s decide what the problem is and then you give it to Me and let Me handle it for you. I will do that for you because I love you.” [3] So we let Him talk to us through His Word and we find solace and peace and strength. In His Word we find all that we need!

Thank you for letting me grieve, not sure why I am so upset about this, I just am, I will get back to my normal blog next time! Thank you for listening!

xooxoxoxox

Traci

Inspiration, Prayer and why we help others!


At the check out line a bit ago, my step son told me –‘Traci, you are an inspiration!’

Erik and Traci

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Coming from a 20-year-old that meant a lot to me, even when I don’t feel like that…

The reason for this is because I tell EVERYONE about my weight loss. This is not because I am vain. Ok, if I’m  TOTALLY honest I do struggle with this at times but it’s also because if I can reach ONE person whose struggling, who may need help who doesn’t THINK they can do it– that makes my day!

As I have told everyone, I have failed soooo many diets before I found Eat Clean and I am so grateful.

So many things have changed for me. I was reading on Transformations and a lady mentioned prayer and diet and I couldn’t agree more. Every morning on my way to work ( I am in a new job) I pray to stay ‘ in the Spirit’! God has changed me in SO many ways and I don’t for ONE second think He had nothing to do with this for He did! My purpose is to help others who– like me don’t think they can for they are hurting or injured or scared, for we WILL succeed!

Thank you Rhonda for including me, I feel truly blessed. Please read the other stories on here, they are truly amazing!!!!

http://transformationpics.com/2012/07/08/traci-lbs-lost-90/#more-630

Happy Sunday to you all!

xoxoxoxo

Traci

The WalkerLady, with a cane, in the library


Good Morning dear friends,

I know, I know, in the library! BUT I JUST adore Clue don’t you!! Couldnt’ resist…. hope you enjoy my story below….

Now, we are back to talking about weight loss and eating healthy. Sure we are going to have some every day life thrown in now and again. This is what makes a blog, a REAL blog!

Since I stated out at 245, and started out  as ‘  The Walker Lady’ I wanted to show you all how I got there and continue from there. 🙂

So, we are going to go back to the Brickhouse Gym and talk about Beth again, she was the one who introduced me to the Eat Clean diet. Now, as I have mentioned there no longer is a Brickhouse gym and you need to go below to find Beth and do the ‘Gauntlet.’ Good luck if you do! LOL

Metro Family Fitness 30 N. Groesbeck

But back to my story.

I was doing my training with Beth in 2010 when my knee really started bothering me. That is me below after doing the  ‘Gauntlet’– looks deceiving but I had just worked my tail off! 🙂 I have moved the damn tire  more than once DAMN)

Gautlet

Gauntlet

Pain–Gauntlet

More Sweat-Thank you Beth, Marissa and Ken! And I can’t thank the Brickhouse Crew, I love you all!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, just to show you some pictures of where I was BEFORE I blew out my knee…I lost about 15  pounds and 13 inches I think before that happened! I LOVED it! Loved Circuit Training, I would highly recommend it to anyone.

When I  was in 8th grade, I hurt my knee in gym class, blew out my ACL and had surgery, woke up to a freaking clown, just sayin’–PLEASE don’t do this to your kids! It is not that they did anything wrong during my surgery, but they didn’t have the technology back then that they have now,  so it created an arthritic situation over the years which just gradually got worse with wear and tear.

After years of it hurting and avoiding–and yeah over doing it at the gym, I  had it looked it. When we saw the first surgeon , they scoped it. With me being so young–I was still in my 30’s, they didn’t want to do a Total Knee Replacement. THIS is not because of  the surgery, this is because of your SECOND AND THIRD surgeries. Most likely I will have two more in my lifetime, which will be A LOT more intense than what I have already been though which I must I admit, I can’t even imagine at this point.

So, they scoped, told me I was bone on bone and basically had cartilage issues–but didn’t really fix it because there wasn’t a point. It was also suggested I lose weight. I had already started this path, I was still in the 220’s.  I stated Eating Clean a few weeks later as I mentioned in an earlier post.

This stated a year of physical therapy, trying to get my knee better. He didn’t want to do the surgery, didn’t think I was there yet, I was too young etc. During this time I did injections, had shots, had a manipulation ( this is where they put you under and manually break up the scar tissue) this helps you for you don’t have your brain telling you it hurts.  After this procedure he went out and told my Michael how he was able to get me to bend so much and maybe I need to pain management, basically saying ‘ this was in my head’! I can’t tell you even to this day how PISSED I was! STILL am! After that day, I went to PT and said ‘ I don’t care how bad this hurts, you do WHATEVER you have to do, just do it’ I was SO pissed! But still I didn’t get better!  In fact the injections made me worse, chicken fat is what they were and they even told me that hadn’t had someone react like me…

In 2011 we got a second opinion…

I told them out the manipulation and what had happened and they told me that he could have got me to bark like a dog and what happened was totally wrong. FINALLY someone was listening to me, someone was understanding the year of hell I had gone through.

They did suggest surgery, YES they said that I would have multiple surgeries, YES, the next one would BE HORRIBLE and I needed to think about  this, I would have rods and what not! BUT what I needed to think about was that if I let this go TOO long, it would go up into my thigh…

Let me say up front I am kinda a wimp! If you piss me off, I will do what I can but still…I don’t like pain, have issues with medications, and I can struggle! I wish I knew now what I didn’t know then. Just not sure I would have done this! I know I needed too, but man…

I had the surgery February 2011 and I am still struggling….

This is not the best picture and one of the only ones I have….

Traci's knee

Traci’s knee

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was on my walker for almost a year,  I was determined NOT to gain all my weight back and continue on my path even if I couldn’t work out! I wasn’t sure HOW I was going to do it! It was sooo hard, still is!

I froze some of Beth’s Superman Muffins to have after my surgery so that Michael didn’t have to cook for me and I could have them when I got home. I did Cooler 1 ( often)! 🙂

I started slow but I went for walks on my walker around my block and eventually went up to 2 miles on my walker, hence I became the Walker Lady….

Funny pic of me on my walker

Funny pic of me on my walker

Cort and Mom water-Summer 2012

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The other day someone in my neighborhood mentioned how far I’ve come and it was cool! They watched me go from the walker, to the cane, to me now…

So, how am I now?

I still have frozen shoulder, the sharp pain still seems to have gone–though I admit I baby it, I don’t make sudden moves or anything so I am not totally sure. I don’t have the movement– I can’t raise my arms above my head or to the side. We THINK this has come from being on my walker so long.  I did have a tear on the left side, though my right side seems worse–still. We got some info back from U of M with a bunch of big words which I haven’t looked up yet–maybe when I have some time.

I still have chest pain, yeah we have no idea what that is, so who knows, I am living with it and I don’t even talk about it for what is the point! I just get use to not breathing at times…

My thigh, it bothers me every morning when I wake up. No idea, maybe from sleeping all night, who knows? I would like to get some weights, but need to research it. Yeah, when I have some time, would also like to do this for my arms, it was suggested by a friend in my Church group.

My knee, still having issues, especially on things like stairs, I can go down but not up. Have issues sometimes when I walk but not always, it seems to be ‘ a sometimes’ thing. I can only seem to do 2 miles, no more, but it’s not only the knee, it’s also the chest and thigh. And the weather seems to bother me too and it seems to ‘ hot’ and I don’t know why? And sometimes it just hurts, and if I move it the wrong way, it just hurts. I don’ t know, I limp though I try to hide that.

I am just trying to live with all this for it seems it will be my life and I don’t want to stop living! I have a job now and sometimes at work I have a hard time, I struggle but we need the help so–I have to put us first so! The rest, I just pray every morning! 🙂 AND like I said, it’s not always! I just take it day by day!

Just as I have slipped a little on my weight loss, as I told someone today in response on my blog–we get comfortable and you know what, for someone like me, I can’t! I have to keep my balance –I haven’t been doing this that long, so now, I am just going to keep finding my way, and keep right on going so thank you ‘ timezonehoppers’ for keeping me honest!

Happy 4th of July everyone!!!

xoxoxoxox

Traci

Webble Wobble and they CAN fall down…


Hya,

I know, I know you think I have finally fallen off my walker! Well, not totally! 🙂 I know I also said when I got back from Texas I would do this more often but I have had some things change recently.

I have a job!!! FULL TIME!! WHOOT! NOT sure I am ready for this?  EEK! Lots of phone-time, and crazy, crazy busy!!!!

Also, since I dropped out of Highschool–I taught myself to type. I know, you are asking WHY are you telling me this Traci? Well, since I am a scheduler at a Court Reporting firm, some of these lovely people type 120 WPM! UM HELLO? And, well as I said I taught myself so I don’t use the shift key for caps like most people, so am TRYING to learn this but it’s slowing me down and with my job– I have to know how to type, be REALLY anal and fast–two things I am NOT! Can I learn these things? For cutting and pasting aren’t options apparently. I would miss something yesterday in training and I was like UGH! But they keep telling me ‘ Traci, it’s your third day,  soon it’ll be why were you so worried?’ It’s one data base and it’s the same thing ( yeah, there are variations) OVER AND OVER AND OVER all day long. 🙂 Yeah, I worked at Dell and had three databases and did data entry and I am STILL freaking out! This too shall pass, I know!

I’ve been stressed! I haven’t walked ALL week and –ok here is where you say the TRUTH RIGHT? I am at 159.2! I haven’t been this since I starting losing weight! NOW, first off let me say it’s TRACI’S TIME! But still, RED FLAGS, no pun intended!  But still, this is a warning, a heads up, a get it together Traci! Now, I won’t totally freak out till next week when I can look at the scale and see where I really am. BUT still, OH MY GOD! And, I haven’t really eaten that much differently.  But, I really think walking, even with as slow as I do it– these two miles or so apparently are helping. I  am up at 6:40 every morning and getting home around 6pm and then having to make dinner and blah blah. I KNOW ya’ll do it too, but I am SO not use to this. I’m just going to have to make the time to go walk. I don’t want to get up early (lol) so I may ask my WONDERFUL husband if I can walk before dinner and eat a bit later so I can MAKE sure I go.

First off, I just ordered a Graduation picture of Courtney–will post it when I have it! 🙂 I couldn’t take pictures inside really so we ordered one.

Two, we also had another Graduation, which was Breah’s, Michael’s daughter. As a lot of you know, this is a hard place for us. There is some pain with his daughters per our adoption. It comes down to how Britt found out. We didn’t tell her right, we couldn’t reach her, so she was very angry. She has made it quite clear that she will do what she can to make this not happen for us. She does not live with us, she is in College, but that does not seem to matter. Breah, his other daughter, moved out when I moved back to Texas –over 4 years ago because Michael and I were having problems and well, Cort was in Texas. Courtney had always wanted me to come back to Texas, as I have always wanted her to come here to Michigan.

Breah and Courtney --Wyoming Happier Times

Breah and Courtney –Wyoming- Happier Times

The problem is–I always thought Cort would be here in Michigan! But fighting her Dad was just not going to work, he didn’t want me to have her for his reasons and it just became a battle I was not going to put Cort through.  So, I was always in two places and it caused a lot of issues here, for I struggled. I had one foot in Michigan and one foot in Texas and really it was not fair to anyone. This got better once I moved back to Michigan and married Michael in 2009. I finally accepted that things were this way and Courtney was old enough and going to be ok. Though, as you read from my last post, I will always be a Mama Bear!

Erik, Michael, Breah, Traci-Wedding 2009

Erik, Michael, Breah, Traci-Wedding 2009

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I finally made a promise to Cort that I would come to Texas–I couldn’t break it no matter HOW much Breah wanted me too. I loved both my girls, that was the problem, they both loved me.  Breah wanted me to stay, Cort wanted me to go. So, I left. Michael and I cried in our driveway, it was a very, very hard time.

I got to Texas, Cort was great–at first. The thing was, Cort wanted her freedom. Her Dad pretty much let her do what she wanted–then I come along– I am IN her life, IN her business-we fought ALL the time.

And Michael was so hurt, and it was bad in Michigan –the kids were upset! I was a mess!

I finally broke down and called Michael,  we had a huge fight –I guess that’s normal , we broke up. I was getting it from all sides, it was NOT a good place for me.

But we finally started talking, and discussing everything– Cort and I weren’t even speaking, I didn’t even see her on Christmas…

Three months later I was back in Michigan.

But I lost Breah, I lost Courtney, almost 4 years later I cry as I write this. MY heart still breaks! I recall Breah telling Courtney what a bitch I was AND Courtney agreeing with her! It was brutal!

But the tide shifted when Courtney came to Michigan with lice–I was SOOOO mad, I couldn’t BELIEVE  her Dad couldn’t see that! And I spent ALL my time getting it out of her hair, I ended up getting it. And Michael was great through this. He didn’t freak out or anything and Erik was ok.  And Breah was still here but at first she was pretty upset and she was bad mouthing me and Courtney said to her ‘ don’t you ever call my Mama a bitch’ and things between them have never been the same. It’s just very sad.

So, Breah can’t forgive me, she can’t forgive Michael, and her and Courtney, well, they are very different and this just made the gap widen.

Status as of today…

Breah had a minor car accident, last year I think. She was fine! The thing was, we have this wall of pictures of all us through the years and I was just sitting there crying and praying to God! Saying ‘ please just open her heart’ and 10 minutes later she calls…

She called Michael crying and told him she loved him and didn’t want things  left un-said and they talked.  So, we see her sometimes… but she is still not happy about us adopting I am not sure why? So it’s the white elephant in our relationship.  But  I THINK it’s either because she thinks she’ll be replaced or because Britt is against it. But she won’t talk about it. It seems she comes around when she wants something or when she can ‘ fit us in’! Don’t get me wrong, she is polite and all that but it’s just all surface. I have pushed for more through all this but I am just not sure I want to keep doing that anymore. I keep hoping she will have that ‘ breakthrough’ but I am just not sure anymore if she will have that?

She told me she loves me a bit ago, it was in passing…and she is nice to me, but it’s all on the surface.

But she wants a superficial relationship, a figurehead! Which is hard for Michael.

Hence the student loans for college…Michael is old school. He DOES not like giving out what is in his back account ( I agree). He gave her everything but what IS in our back account, she WAS NOT happy! So, when he mentioned the adoption, she got upset again–of course not talking about it. So, again she is upset with us, since we are a pair.

So, we went to her Graduation. But per Father’s day, she called, for she had a concert that night ( umm hello, could have come by during the day or something but didn’t) , said she come by some day that week–never heard from her. Whatever, I am TRYING to let it go! I mean, jeez, even Courtney called Michael. It just drives me crazy!

Michael, Breah, Britt and Ani

Erik, Breah and Britt

Erik, Breah and Britt

Michael, Breah and Traci

So, this is what is going on in Traci’s life right now! I am trying to get a handle on things, figure out a schedule so I can navigate around a bit. Sorry I haven’t been commenting as much–will try to do more of that. Still reading!!  My aim right now is to try to do this at least twice a week for now. Right now as we speak, I am icing my knee so I can go walk, since I haven’t walked all week and it’s sore for God only  knows why but I can’t afford to make it worse– and I want to walk SO badly I am going to go anyway. LOL

Hope everyone is well!!!!! Miss you  all!

xoxoxoxoxo

Traci

Graduation and tears of a Mama Bear …


Hello Dear friends!!

I am home!! Back from the Texas heat and home to the Michigan 70’s! I must admit– going from ‘ oh my God’ soooooo HOTTTTTTTT to ‘ oh how pleasant outside’ takes some getting use to! 🙂

So, not only did my babykins graduate!!! I must admit, it was VERY hard on this Mama bear!  The toughest thing was watching her drive away– it broke my heart just a little. I KNOW, I know, we are to raise our kids and set them free– let them go off into the world, but still, it broke my heart just a little. For so long, I have loved and cried, held on, been there no matter WHAT, and I’m to just LET GO? Walk away? Let her make her own judgements, her own mistakes, her own, her own choices? Sigh, I know, I know, but still my heart broke a little…

Cort and Mom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I gave this to Courtney for Graduation as it was given to me by my Mama, I can’t read this without crying…

‘ I love you Forever’

Written by Robert Munsch

‘That teenager grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was a grown-up man. He left home and got a house across town. But sometimes on dark nights the mother got into her car and drove across town.  If all the lights in her son’s house were out, she opened his bedroom window, crawled across the floor, and looked up over the side of his bed. If that great big man was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked him she sang:

I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
As long as I’m living
my baby you’ll be.’

Cort and Mom-Riverwalk

Cort and Mom-Riverwalk

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Courtney now has a job, drives a car and is looking to take classes this Fall.  I hope she understands a Mama Bear is for life! We love, we cherish, we keep our children next to our hearts always. Though, I am learning to back off ( I am TRYING)–to let her live HER life, make HER choices, not interfere and LISTEN! I am proud of the woman she is becoming, honored I get to share this next chapter in our lives! For Courtney Aline, is quite simply–amazing!

Cort and Baby James

Cort and Baby James ( her brother, he just turned one)

Cort with her Dad and I at Graduation

Cort with her Dad and I at Graduation

party3

Party and my Sister’s house, she was AMAZING! She decorated and went ALL out! That is Lisa and Bryan, my brother and sister and her friend Rachel!

Rach, Cort and Ash

Grandma watching intently

My Mama

Jeremy and Courtney-Riverwalk

Jeremy and Courtney ( a friend of hers) Riverwalk –San Antonio)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

xoxooxox,

Traci