Tag Archive | Daughters

Babykins, Happy 19th Birthday, still blowing kisses to your heart Courtney


I can’t believe you are 19, I still think of being terrified of being a new Mama at 24!

Mama Traci

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had NO idea what to do, what I WAS doing, what YOU were supposed to be doing! ūüôā

You were amazing–still are…

Cort and Mom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I stil recall you asking me, since you were outdrawing me by the time you were about 6 ( hey I could at least color in the lines with you!!) if you could sleep with you pencils, no dolls for Courtney, always artistic, like the rest of the fam. I miss getting those, still have all the ones you have given me, even looking at my computer desk right now, I have a clay pot, a heart that says ‘ Happy Mother’s Day’ and and a another heart you made me–I even have your first drawing, what you were like 2? So many memories, so even though I shed a tear for we are so far apart, know you are never more than a ‘ blowing kisses to your heart’! I love you more than you will ever know!

Enduring pain and fear, these tangles caught
in strokes of brush to tame unruly curls;
and brave a smile for you, a hug is sought.

The precious moments spent as eve now swirls
with mother, daughter, laughter- bonds are deep.
As reading starts this thread, the words will twirl…

While painting sky with hues in peaceful sleep,
a teddy she enjoys is pad and ink.
as rainbow streaks arise, the pastels leap.

When morning breaks, the dawn begins to link
a day with pals and swimming pools-her smile.
Then walking past she looks, your eyes now wink

As sun begins its fade, returning her,
With grins and hugs for mom, a child will stir.

2011-12-26 at 21-22-04

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Birthday Courtney! ¬†I can’t wait to see the woman you become — I really think you are on your way…

517057

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love,

Mama

Webble Wobble and they CAN fall down…


Hya,

I know, I know you think I have finally fallen off my walker! Well, not totally! ūüôā I know I also said when I got back from Texas I would do this more often but I have had some things change recently.

I have a job!!! FULL TIME!! WHOOT! NOT sure I am ready for this?  EEK! Lots of phone-time, and crazy, crazy busy!!!!

Also, since I dropped out of Highschool–I taught myself to type.¬†I know, you are asking WHY are you telling me this Traci? Well, since I am a scheduler at a Court Reporting firm, some of these lovely people type 120 WPM! UM HELLO? And, well as I said I taught myself so I don’t use the shift key for caps like most people, so am TRYING to learn this but it’s slowing me down and with my job– I have to know how to type, be REALLY anal and fast–two things I am NOT! Can I learn these things? For cutting and pasting aren’t¬†options apparently. I would miss something yesterday in training and I was like UGH! But they keep telling me ‘ Traci, it’s your third day, ¬†soon it’ll be why were you so worried?’¬†It’s one data base and it’s the same thing ( yeah, there are variations) OVER AND OVER AND OVER all day long. ūüôā Yeah, I worked at Dell and had three databases and did data entry and I am STILL freaking out! This too shall pass, I know!

I’ve been¬†stressed! I haven’t walked ALL week and –ok here is where you say the TRUTH RIGHT? I am at 159.2! I haven’t been this since I starting losing weight! NOW, first off let me say it’s TRACI’S TIME! But still, RED FLAGS, no pun intended! ¬†But still, this is a warning, a heads up, a get it together Traci! Now, I won’t totally freak out till next week when I can look at the scale and see where I really am. BUT still, OH MY GOD! And, I haven’t really eaten that much differently. ¬†But, I really think walking, even with as slow as I do it– these two miles or so apparently are¬†helping. I ¬†am up at 6:40 every morning and getting home around 6pm and then having to make dinner and blah blah.¬†I KNOW ya’ll do it too, but I am SO not use to this. I’m just going to have to make the time to go walk. I don’t want to get up early (lol) so I may ask my WONDERFUL husband if I can walk before dinner and eat a bit later so I can MAKE sure I go.

First off, I just ordered a Graduation picture of Courtney–will post it when I have it! ūüôā I couldn’t take pictures inside really so we ordered one.

Two, we also had another Graduation, which was Breah’s, Michael’s daughter. As a lot of you know, this is a hard place for us. There is some pain with his daughters per our adoption. It comes down to how Britt found out. We didn’t tell her right, we couldn’t reach her, so she was very angry. She has made it quite clear that she will do what she can to make this not happen for us. She does not live with us, she is in College, but that does not seem to matter. Breah, his other daughter, moved out when I moved back to Texas –over 4 years ago because Michael and I were having problems and well, Cort was in Texas. Courtney had always wanted me to come back to Texas, as I have always wanted her to come here to Michigan.

Breah and Courtney --Wyoming Happier Times

Breah and Courtney –Wyoming- Happier Times

The problem is–I always thought Cort would be here in Michigan! But fighting her Dad was just not going to work, he didn’t want me to have her for his reasons and it just became a battle I was not going to put Cort through. ¬†So, I was always in two places and it caused a lot of issues here, for I struggled. I had one foot in Michigan and one foot in Texas and really it was not fair to anyone. This got better once I moved back to Michigan and married Michael in 2009. I finally accepted that things were this way and Courtney was old enough and going to be ok.¬†Though, as you read from my last post, I will always be a Mama Bear!

Erik, Michael, Breah, Traci-Wedding 2009

Erik, Michael, Breah, Traci-Wedding 2009

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I finally made a promise to Cort that I would come to Texas–I couldn’t break it no matter HOW much Breah wanted me too. I loved both my girls, that was the problem, they both loved me. ¬†Breah wanted me to stay, Cort wanted me to go. So, I left. Michael and I cried in our driveway, it was a very, very hard time.

I got to Texas, Cort was great–at first. The thing was, Cort wanted¬†her freedom. Her Dad pretty much let her do what she wanted–then I come along– I am IN her life, IN her business-we fought ALL the time.

And Michael was so hurt, and it was bad in Michigan –the kids were upset! I was a mess!

I finally broke down and called Michael, ¬†we had a huge fight –I guess that’s normal , we broke up. I was getting it from all sides, it was NOT a good place for me.

But we finally started talking, and discussing everything– Cort and I weren’t even speaking, I didn’t even see her on Christmas…

Three months later I was back in Michigan.

But I lost Breah, I lost Courtney, almost 4 years later I cry as I write this. MY heart still breaks! I recall Breah telling Courtney what a bitch I was AND Courtney agreeing with her! It was brutal!

But the tide shifted when Courtney came to Michigan with lice–I was SOOOO mad, I couldn’t BELIEVE ¬†her Dad couldn’t see that! And I spent ALL my time getting it out of her hair, I ended up getting it. And Michael was great through this. He didn’t freak out or anything and Erik was ok. ¬†And Breah was still here but at first she was pretty upset and she was bad mouthing me and Courtney said to her ‘ don’t you ever call my Mama a bitch’ and things between them have never been the same. It’s just very sad.

So, Breah can’t forgive me, she can’t forgive Michael, and her and Courtney, well, they are very different and this just made the gap widen.

Status as of today…

Breah had a minor car accident, last year I think. She was fine! The thing was, we have this wall of pictures of all us through the years and I was just sitting there crying and praying to God! Saying ‘ please just open her heart’ and 10 minutes later she calls…

She called Michael crying and told him she loved him and didn’t want things ¬†left un-said and they talked. ¬†So, we see her sometimes… but she is still not happy about us adopting I am not sure why? So it’s the white elephant in our relationship. ¬†But ¬†I THINK it’s either because she thinks she’ll be¬†replaced or because Britt is against it. But she won’t talk about it. It seems she comes around when she wants something or when she can ‘ fit us in’! Don’t get me wrong, she is polite and all that but it’s just all surface. I have pushed for more through all this but I am just not sure I want to keep doing that anymore. I keep hoping she will have that ‘ breakthrough’ but I am just not sure anymore if she will have that?

She told me she loves me a bit ago, it was in passing…and she is nice to me, but it’s all on the surface.

But she wants a superficial relationship, a figurehead! Which is hard for Michael.

Hence the student loans for college…Michael is old school. He DOES not like giving out what is in his back account ( I agree). He gave her everything but what IS in our back account, she WAS NOT happy! So, when he mentioned the adoption, she got upset again–of course not talking about it. So, again she is upset with us, since we are a pair.

So, we went to her Graduation. But per Father’s day, she called, for she had a concert that night ( umm hello, could have come by during the day or something but didn’t) , said she come by some day that week–never heard from her. Whatever, I am TRYING to let it go! I mean, jeez, even Courtney called Michael. It just drives me crazy!

Michael, Breah, Britt and Ani

Erik, Breah and Britt

Erik, Breah and Britt

Michael, Breah and Traci

So, this is what is going on in Traci’s life right now! I am trying to get a handle on things, figure out a schedule so I can navigate around a bit. Sorry I haven’t been commenting as much–will try to do more of that. Still reading!! ¬†My aim right now is to try to do this at least twice a week for now. Right now as we speak, I am icing my knee so I can go walk, since I haven’t walked all week and it’s sore for God only ¬†knows why but I can’t afford to make it worse– and I want to walk SO badly I am going to go anyway. LOL

Hope everyone is well!!!!! Miss you  all!

xoxoxoxoxo

Traci